Joined: Jul 08, 2007 Posts: 18 Location: nomad.. so, no specific address
Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 4:18 pm Post subject:
JOKES and TEARS… OF A HUSBAND
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee,
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes! I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
Joined: Jun 14, 2007 Posts: 1551 Location: Catch me if you can! ;-)
Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007 10:39 pm Post subject:
Signboard Outside A Prostitute's House:
Married MEN Not Allowed. We Serve The Needy, Not The Greedy...
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
Man Quits Smoking Because Of Will Power.
He Quits Drinking Because Of Will Power.
But He Quits Womanizing Because He Has The Will But No Power.
Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
Customer: Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No, I can't.
Waiter: Then does it really matter?
Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
1st thief: Oh! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Ah Beng went to take night courses for the reason in future can get promotion or better job. During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Seng about his knowledge.
Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam.
Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah.
Then Ah Beng started show off...
Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?
Ah Seng: Don't know
Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ..................... .. *speechless*
The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...
Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jea n Jacques Rousseau?
Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah?
Ah Beng: No! He's the author of "Confessions", nah nah nah... told you already, if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ......................... *speechless + frustrated*
The next day, once again...
Ah Beng: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?
Ah Seng: Your gay partner?
Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ....................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated
This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng...
Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who is Ah Kaw?
Ah Beng: Errrr... No!
Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!
Ah Beng: ........................ *fainted*
American Spaceman is called Astronaut
Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut
Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut
Malaysian Spaceman??? - Can-or-naut
Datuk Najib was thinking about sending somebody
into space. Three potential can-or-nauts were
called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay
and one Chinese.
Najib interviews the Indian first: "So,
Muthu, this is a dangerous mission.
How much do you think you should be paid?"
Muthu replied: "Ten million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Najib.
"Very dangerous mission, Datuk. Maybe no come
back!" replied Muthu.
"That's understandable," says Najib. "Thank you..
Please ask the Malay guy to come here,"
So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
"Alamak!...20 million, Datuk," replied the Malay candidate.
"Twenty million? That's twice as much! Even the aneh before you
asked for only ten million."
"You see, Datuk," explains Mat, "I have 4
wives and 15 children ... With 20 of us, it is a big
family to support when I am gone...!"
"I see," says D.Najib. "Okay, can you ask that Chinese guy to come then?"
The Chinese guy comes in and Najib asks, "Ah Chong,
given this is a very risky mission, how much do you want?"
Ah Chong thinks for a while, and says, "30 million."
Najib appears shocked. "What?!? 30 million!
Why so much?"
Ah Chong beckons Najib to come closer.
He quietly whispers into his ear,
"Datuk, you take 10 million, i take 10 million,
and then use the extra ten million, send that aneh to space lah!"
And...the Muthu was finally sent out to space.....
Joined: Jun 14, 2007 Posts: 1551 Location: Catch me if you can! ;-)
Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 9:09 pm Post subject:
I'm sorry this is a bit "hum sup" but quite funny..
A China pumpkin girl was visiting New York, went into a worldwide message center wanting to send an urgent message to her mother in China. The Italian guy at the counter told her it would cost around US$100/=. She exclaimed, " I don't have that kind of money, but I will do anything to get a message to my mother in China!"
The Italian smiled, arched an eyebrow and asked, "Anything?".. "Yes, I promise...anything!" she said. With that, the Italian said, "Follow me."
He led her to the next room and said, "Come in and close the door."
"Get down on your knees!" he ordered. She did. "Unzip me!" he said. She did. Then he said, "Go on... take it out." She did and grabbed it with both hands excitedly.
The Italian closed his eyes and & whispered, "Go ahead girl, what are you waiting for?
"Ms China pumpkin girl slowly brought her lips closer and said loudly, "Hello....hello Ah Mah!!! ..can you hear me??"
Joined: Jul 24, 2007 Posts: 553 Location: Under the Sea...
Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:17 am Post subject:
THE BHAI JOKES
THESE ARE THE MORE COMMON ONES:
What do you call a Singh who drinks only soft drinks?
Yeo Hiap Singh
What do you call a Singh who drinks only beer?
Jasbir Singh (Just Beer)
What do you call a Singh who likes to go for a swim at night?
Kuldip Singh (Cool Dip)
What do you call the only Singh left on earth after a nuclear holocaust?
Jestwant Singh (Just One)
What do you call a Singh who owns a ship?
Karpal Singh
What do you call a Singh who owns a ship that sank?
No lah, not Titanic Singh. It's Karam Singh
What do you call the Bhai who was sacked from the national hockey team?
Relax Singh
What do you call a lousy Bhai?
Owtar Singh
What do you a vulgar Singh?
Tiu Niah Singh (Cantonese curse words)
Side tracking a bit here: What does a baby tuna calls it mother?
Tuna Ma (Cantonese curse words again)
What do you call a Singh who's a three star general?
Sam Lap Singh (Cantonese for 3 Stars)
What do you call the Singh who likes roundabouts?
Pu Singh
What do you call a Singh who's a gangster?
Sam Singh
What do you call a Bhai porn actress?
Hard Kaur
What do you call a female Bhai security guard?
Securi Kaur
What do you call a Singh who likes to sing?
D.J. Dave!
THESE ARE THE MORE CREATIVE ONES:
What do you call baby Singhs?
Singhlets
What do you call the study of Singhs?
Bhailogy (Biology)
What do you call the study of baby Singhs?
Microbhailogy (Microbiology)
If the Sikhs were to succeed in forming their own country,
what will they call their currency?
Mata Wang Ah Singh
What do you call a Singh who doesn't like backsides?
Surpri Singh!
A Sikh family owns a petrol station in Brickfields.
The names of the three brothers running the business?
Servi Singh, Grea Singh and Wheel Balan Singh
They also have a cousin who works there as a pump attendant:
Dispen Singh
What do you call a Singh who stays in Section 5, PJ?
Ga Singh (as in Jalan Gasing)
What do you call the Singh who was adopted by a Chinese family?
Bung Ka Lee
What do you call a Singh who's a coward?
Ball One Singh
FROM OUR VISITORS....
What is a Bhai standoff?
Two Bhais bathing together, and one drops the soap!
What do you call the Singh who can swim underwater?
GS Gills
Did ya hear about the Bhai who was sent to jail
for beating up his wife? The judge said he was
rotten to the core (kaur)!
What do you call a Bhai playboy centerfold?
Boh Cheng Kaur (Hokkien - "Not Wearing Pants")
What do you call a horny Bhai?
Gian Singh
Why is the KLIA a favourite for Singhs?
Because they have special immigration lanes for "ORANG AH SINGH"
What do you call the new KLIA taxis?
Limosinghs
What did the Singh say in his traffic accident report?
Dia belakang mari!
In the wild west, what did the Apache say to the Singh?
Umm...you make good scalp, already pre-wrapped!
What do you call a Bhai girl who likes hot choclate?
Co Kaur (Cocoa)
What do you call a Bhai girl who's an interior decorator?
De Kaur (Decor)
What do you call a Bhai girl who's a gangster?
Tai Kaur
What is the official mode of transportation for Bhais?
Bhaicycle (bicycle)
Why are Bhai jokes so stupid?
So that the Chinese, Melayu and Tamil buggers can understand them!
(from Taranjit Singh)
Joined: Jul 24, 2007 Posts: 553 Location: Under the Sea...
Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:22 am Post subject:
AN INTRODUCTION TO CHINESE
YEE SI LAY - A slut
CHIN TU FATT - You need a face lift
DUM GAI - A stupid person
LEE WAI - Blue Denim
LIM WAN LEK - A disabled person
GAN PAO DER - An ancient Chinese invention
TECK NOH - A type of music
LIM KOK - A man with erection problem
HU FLANG DANG - Which one of you fertilized the field?
LOW BATT - Nokia and Motorola's common enemy
JAN NEE KA SUN - American late night talk show host
KUM HIA - Approach me
WAN HUNG LOW - A person with partial hernia
LAO ZEE SHO - A local TV program
LAO ZEE - Not very good
LIN CHING - An illegal execution
MOON LAN DING - Successful American space program
NEE AHN - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
TAI NEE BAE BEE - A premature infant
TAI NEE POH NEE - A small horse
TEN DING BAH - Serving drinks to people
WAN BUM LUNG - A person with T.B.
WA SHING KAH - Cleaning an automobile
WAI SOH DIM - Are you trying to save electricity?
WAI YEW SHAO TING - There is no reason to raise your voice
YU MAI TEE TAN - You went sun bathing
Joined: Jul 24, 2007 Posts: 553 Location: Under the Sea...
Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:33 am Post subject:
THE ONE LINERS
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring and good-looking ?
Because all those men already have boyfriends.
What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common ?
They were originally intended for children but it's the men
who play with them the most.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg ?
Because they won't stop to ask directions.
What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex ?
"Are you done ?"
What are the three words women hate to hear during sex ?
"Honey, I'm home!"
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife ?
45 pounds.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband ?
45 minutes.
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman ?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man ?
$3.99 a minute.
What is the definition of "making love" ?
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the
waist down ?
Married.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig ?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
How can you tell if your wife is dead ?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead ?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
What's the difference between men and pigs ?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What are those small bumps around a woman's nipples ?
They are Braille for "suck here".
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging.
What's the best way to make your wife scream when you're
having sex?
Call her up and tell her where you are.
Why do husbands die before their wives ?
They want to.
Why do women have tits ?
So men will talk to them.
Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs ?
So they won't hump female legs at cocktail parties.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when
they go they take your house and car with them.
What's the difference between a woman having her
period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist
What's the difference between your wife and your job ?
After 5 years your job still sucks.
Why are men are like public toilets ?
The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.
What's the best thing about a blow job ?
Ten minutes of silence.
What is the definition of the perfect woman ?
A deaf and dumb nympho whose father owns a pub.
What do you call a woman with no asshole ?
Divorced or single.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and
a light bulb ?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.
What does a woman do with her asshole in the morning ?
She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
Breasts don't have eyes.
How can you tell if your husband is sexually excited ?
He's breathing.
What do Kodak film have in common with condoms ?
Both capture the moment.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up
in the morning ?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why are brides dressed in white ?
So they match the rest of the appliances.
What do you do with 365 used condoms ?
Re-cycle them into a tyre and call it a Good Year.
Why is pubic hair always curly ?
Otherwise it'll poke your eyes.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have
sex with anyone but you.
Why is the penis so depress ?
His best friends are two nuts who live next to
an asshole.
What do you call the useless piece of skin around a vagina?
A woman.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, with
a ten inch penis ?
Partially disabled.
What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant ?
Her legs.
What's the difference between worry and panic ?
About 28 days.
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
Why do tampons have strings ?
So you can floss after eating.
What's the ultimate rejection ?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist during sex ?
She's not suppose to yell "Oh God, I'm ..."
How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups ?
Tell her she's pregnant.
How do you get a nun pregnant ?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
Why do women wear tampons when they skydive ?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
What is a man's worst nightmare ?
Dolly Parton bottle feeding him.
Which came first ? The chicken or the egg ?
Neither. Bill Clinton came first.
What is the difference between erotic and kinky ?
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They can smell it but they can't eat it.
How do you determine the sex of your (computer) mouse?
If there's a "pad" underneath, it's female.
What is the difference between a rectal thermometer
and a oral thermometer ?
The taste.
What can you assume when you find a lawyer buried
up to his neck in cement ?
Someone ran out of cement.
What will it take to reunite Nirvana ?
Two more bullets.
What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze
pilots say to his students?
"Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once".
What's the difference between meeting Bill Clinton and the Pope ?
When you meet the Pope you only get down on one knee.
Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A ?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?
Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.
What is the similarity between Michael Jackson and a
grocery bag ?
Both are made of plastic and dangerous for children to
play with.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite movie ?
"Honey, I Blew The Kids"
Why was Michael Jackson so excited when he first heard
about Boyz II Men?
He thought it was a home delivery service.
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb ?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room
starts spinning.
Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.
Is it hard to spot the blind guy in a nudist colony ?
It's not hard.
How did the blind girl burned the side of her face ?
She answered the iron.
How did she burn the other side ?
Same guy called back.
How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper ?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
What's the most popular pick up line in a gay bar ?
"May I push in your stool ?"
Did you hear about the gay security guard who got
fired from his job at the sperm bank ?
He got caught drinking on the job.
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog ?
"It's true, we really do taste like chicken."
What do you give the blonde that has everything ?
Penicillin.
What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives
blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.
What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs ?
Nice tits!
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common ?
They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
What's the difference between a blonde and a guy ?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
What do you do when an Irish throws a hand grenade at you ?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you do when an Irish throws a pin at you ?
Run like hell...he's got a hand grenade in his mouth!
Why did the Irish ice factory close down ?
They lost the recipe.
Why did the group of Irish stare at the carton of
orange juice?
It said "concentrate".
Why don't cannibals eat Irish people ?
The last time they threw one in the cooking pot,
he ate all the potatoes.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns ?
They taste funny.
Susah kalau kahwin orang TELEKOM = TIAP 3 MINIT JE PUTUS
ahli BOMBA lagi teruk = BUKA KEPALA TERUS PANCUK
Dr gigi pun lebih kurang = GOYANG2 PASTU CABUT
ASKAR bahay sikit = ASYIK NAK TEMBAK JE
kalau MAT REMPIT lagi dahsyat = LAMPU MERAH PUN JALAN
baik kahwin dengan CIKGU = KALAU KURANG JELAS BOLEH ULANG SAMPAI PUAS
kalau dengan IMIGRESEN ehem = SERVICE WITH SMILE
kalau kahwin dengan PENYANYI = MESTI NAK KARAOKE DENGAN SHOWMAN SHIP (GELEK)
kalau kahwin dengan CLEANER = DENGAN JAMBAN-JAMBAN SEKALI DEPA KOREK
kalau kahwin dengan JURURAWAT = ASYIK2 NAK SURUH KULUM (SUHU) DAN CUCUK (JARUM)
kalau kahwin dengan POLIS = tiap2 hari dia kata "AWAK KENA TAHAN"
kalau kahwin dengan MELAYU = "ABANG NAK PI MANA? PUKUL BRAPA NAK BALIK?"
Tapi...........................................
kalau kahwin dengan INDON = "ABANG BALIK AWAL, YAAAA". SIAP DENGAN CIUM TANGAN DEPAN PINTU RUMAH.
Joined: Jul 24, 2007 Posts: 553 Location: Under the Sea...
Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 10:25 pm Post subject:
DJ MISUNDERSTOOD?
A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl.
"What's your name girl & how old are you?"
"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."
"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."
"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a barbie doll for you.
Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."
The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Maths & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."
The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.
"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"
The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"
ANOTHER DJ MISUNDERSTOOD?
There was this story that Yasmin hosted a quiz over her morning radio program, where she was looking for "salt & pepper" as the answer. A lady caller asked for a clue and Yasmin mentioned that "It's something that you put over your husband's eggs in he morning" to which the lady caller confidently answered "TALCUM POWDER!"
THIS ONE WON'T BE MISUNDERSTOOD...
Ever thought of becoming a deejay in a local Malay radio station? Easy! Just master the art of repeating every other word. Example...
"...cuaca, ya cuaca di Kuala Lumpur sekarang mendung, mendung... keadaan trafik, trafik di Cheras sesat, sesat....anda, ya anda sedang mengikuti, mengikuti siaran, siaran Repeat FM ....OK, OK, kita dengar lagu, ya lagu dari Ella, Ella...terima kasih, terima kasih kepada anda, anda...."
Joined: Jul 24, 2007 Posts: 553 Location: Under the Sea...
Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 10:27 pm Post subject:
WHEN YOU DRIVE A PROTON SAGA...
What's the first thing that come to your mind when you
see a Chinese man driving a BMW?
A pimp
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you
see a Malay man driving a BMW?
Ahmad
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you
see an Indian man driving a BMW?
A car jockey
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you
see a Bhai driving a BMW?
A car repossesor.
Two guys are sitting at either end of a bar late one night when one of them looks up and says to the other guy, "How's the going'? You from around here?" The other guy says,"Damansara Jaya" "Me too. What a co-incidence!" "Where did you go to school?" "La Salle PJ"" Hey, so did I!" "What year did you leave school?" "1981" "So did I!" "What street do you live on?" "SS22/41!" "I live there too!" "What did your old man do for a living?" "KTM worker." "Unreal! Mine too!" Just then another guy walks in & says to the bartender, "What's going' on?" The bartender replies, "Not much...but the Wong twins are drunk again!"
During the colonial days, three friends went together to apply for a job. The prospective employer was a cocky and nasty English manager. Ah Chong was the first to be interviewed.
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?
Ah Chong: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I poke your left eye with my finger?
Ah Chong: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I poke the other eye?
Ah Chong: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Manager: Very well, wait outside…Next!
As Ali was going into the room, Ah Chong told his friend, just answer "partially blind" and "blind" and you sure pass!
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?
Ali: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I poke your left …?
Ali: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I poke…?
Ali: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Manager: Very well, wait outside…Next!
Ali came out and told Singh that Ah Chong was right, just answer "partially blind" and "blind" and you sure pass! However, the manager suspected something fishy and decided to change the questions...
Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?
Singh: Yes Sir
Manager: What will happen if I cut off your left ear?
Singh: I will become partially blind, Sir!
Manager: What will happen if I cut off your other ear?
Singh: I will become totally blind, Sir!
Angry manager: Tell me how you'll go blind if I cut off
your ears?
Singh: If you cut my left ear, my turban will drop one
side and cover my left eye. If you cut off my other ear,
my whole turban will drop and cover my eyes completely.
Guess who got the job?
What do you get when you put 100 Chinamen under a printing press?
The Yellow Pages
What do you get when you put 100 Indians under a printing press?
A year's supply of carbon paper.
Three tourists, an American, an Indonesian and a Malaysian were having a drink at a penthouse bar in downtown Tokyo. The American ordered a bottle of Jack Daniel's whiskey, took just a sip and threw the whole bottle out of the window. He explained to his astounded acquaintances "Where I come from, Jack Daniels is cheap and plentiful, so it has become a habit of of ours to do that". Not to be outdone, the Indonesian promptly lit up a Gudang Garam (clove) cigarette, took a puff and threw the whole pack out of the window. He explained " Where I come from, Gudang Garam is cheap and plentiful, so it has become a habit of ours to do that". The Malaysian, eager to impress, threw the Indonesian out of the window, and explained "Where I come from Indonesians are?"
There's a boy who has been abused by his parents. A neighbor found out and reported to the police. The police came and arrested his parents and planned to send him to a foster home. The boy refused and told the police officer "No ! The guardian of the foster home will abuse me". The police officer agree and asked him again "OK ! In that case you can stay with me and become my adopted son". The boy refused and said "No! Your wife will also abuse me!" The police officer gave up and asked "Where should I send you to now. You have refused to be adopted by everybody." The boy replied " I want to stay with the Malaysian hockey team." The police officer was surprised and asked "Of all the places why the Malaysian hockey team? They don't even have a house!" The boy replied "At least they have not beaten anybody in the world..."
A Kancil car stopped at the red lights. When the traffic lights turned green the driver stepped on the gas pedal and the car just won't move. So he got out of the car to investigate. He soon realised that the car was unable to move because a piece of chewing gum on the road had stuck to one of the tyres!
Why is the Dunhill slogan always: "Gaya, Mutu, Keungullan".
One of the owners is an Indian call Mutusamy.
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CHINESE CARTOONIST
What's the name of that famous Malaysian Chinese cartoonist?
Nia Mah Foo Lat
AT THE SEMENYIH CAMP
Indon 1: How did they ever managed to caught you? You look like a Malaysian...
Indon 2: I dunno..I dressed like Malaysian..talk like Malaysian and even behave like a Malaysian.
Indon 1: So how the hell did they ever found out?
Indon 2: Beats me..when they stopped me for questioning..I managed to answer all questions..when they ask for my i.c., I told them that I left it at home and they believed me.
Indon 1: Hmm..it baffles me dong...
Indon 2: Me too..all I said when they were about to leave was "Terima kasih pak polisi"
THE LITTLE ONE
If Puff Daddy were to marry Mariah Carey, what will they
call their kid?
Curry Puff.
But since they are so rich, it'll probably be Kaya Puff...
BEVERAGE FOR THOUGHT
If you're addicted to work, you're a workaholic,
When addicted to alcohol, you're an alcoholic,
What if you're addicted to Horlicks?
A recent survey on Malaysian sex habits revealed the following:
What do Malaysian men do immediately after sex?
20 % roll over and light up a cigarette
Another 20% go to the bathroom to wash
The majority, 60% of the men; they go home!
What's the similarity between a Thai prostitute and bungee jumping?
If the rubber breaks, you're dead!
What's the similarity between a pair of tight jeans and Kowloon Hotel?
There's no ballroom
In a typical Malaysian company, the general staff likes to discuss or play football after work. For the middle management it is tennis. For the top management it is nothing else but golf, golf and golf. So what is the conclusion ? The higher you are in the management, the smaller your balls.
Dr M, paid a visit to the White House. After finishing formal discussions with Clinton, Dr M checks with Bill to find out if there is a way to sell the Kancil in the USA. After going through the brochure Bill said: "You know, I think this Kuncheel is too small for us Americans" Not one who gives up easily, Dr M persisted and finally Clinton offered: "Ok, take this number down. This guy is my good buddy and he's also the CEO of the biggest compact car distributor in North America". Dr M was satisfied with the meeting and returns to Malaysia. The next day he decides to call the number suggested by Bill. The phone rang for awhile, after which a lady on the other end answered: "TOYS R US". Can I help you?"
How does a Mamak shout your orders across the stall?
Kopi + Teh = "Ko Teh"
Milo + Kopi + Teh = "My Ko Teh"
Horlicks + Milo + Kopi + Teh = "Lick My Ko Teh"
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Ketika pengumuman itu, Samy sedang membuat lawatan ke India untuk membantu kontraktor-kontraktor Malaysia mendapat kontrak di India. Di satu lawatan ke tapak, Samy terjatuh dan dagunya patah dan dia tidak boleh bercakap. Namun, sebagai pemimpin yang bersikap penuh bertanggungjawab, Samy meneruskan lawatan-lawatannya.
Kalau Samy membuat lawatan hingga tidak dapat menghadiri Mesyaurat Jemaah Menteri hari rabu, dia akn menalipon secara terus menerus membentangkan laporannya. Kali itu, walaupun tidak boleh bercakap, dia mahu membentangkan laporan. Dia meminta jurukamera untuk menghantar klip video sebagai laporannya.
Dari sebuah kampong di India, Samy mendapatkan seeokor ayam dan menunjukkan ke kamera. Kemudian, dia mendapatkan kambing orng kampung untuk ditunjukkan ke kamera. Akhir sekali, dia meminjam beg seorang pembantunya untuk di tunjukkan kamera.
Semasa mesyuarat jemaah menteri, video laporan Samy ditayangkan. Dr Ling Sik menyuarakan pendapat bahawa Samy cuba memberitahu keadaan kekurangan makanan di India dan dia meminta kita menghantar derma beg2 berisis beras.
Dr Mahathir yang mempengerusikan mesyuarat tidak bersetuju dengan pendapat Dr Liong Sik. Jemaah Menteri memandangnya dan menunggu huraian. Dengan senyum, Dr Mahathir beritahu, “Tidak … Samy sedang cuba memberitahu dia akan kembali dan kekal sebagai Presiden MIC”. Memandang semua masih tak faham, Tun terangkan “AYAM KAMBING BAG dalam pelat India bermaksud I am coming back."
Sampai sekarang, masih Samy dan nampaknya dengan Timbalan yang belum cukup kuat dan berpengalaman, lama lagi dia akan kekal sebagai MP Sungai Siput dan Menteri.
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Malaysian Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Singapore : Light bulb
Miss Malaysia : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA : Lion
Miss Singapore : Leopard
Miss Malaysia : LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!
MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Singapore : Lamborghini
Miss Malaysia : Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA : Lemon
Miss Singapore : Lychee
Miss Malaysia , with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Malaysia should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Malaysia was having so many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA : Lung (applause)
Miss Singapore : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Malaysia : *LAN CIAU*
The Judges fainted..!!!
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