Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?
Funny funny funny lol
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-d...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you
expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was
about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?".
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear" she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room".
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy".
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It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were
invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the
pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?".
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch
to iron.".
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was
just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is
seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my
son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part
of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up
to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' ".
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?".
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!".
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Joined: Mar 05, 2008 Posts: 1888 Location: Damansara
Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 7:29 am Post subject:
MAN LAWS
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" On Purpose!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing is wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere in a hurry,
absolutely anything you wear is fine. REALLY!
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. _________________ The thought of eternity consoles for the shortness of life.
Joined: Feb 13, 2008 Posts: 878 Location: Petaling Jaya
Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 4:30 pm Post subject:
Subject: Fw: Little Old Lady
I think you will like this one
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 76 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to touch my breasts.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I certainly did not!
Defence Attorney:
Why ever not?
Little Old Lady:
His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled,'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Maid : Hello
Husband : Hello? Who's this?
Maid : I'm the maid for this house
Husband : Maid? I do not have a maid
Maid : Oh, i was hired just this morning by the lady of the house
Husband : Oh? Really. Where's madam?
Maid : She is upstairs with her husband in the bedroom
Husband : WHAT!? I'm her husband!
Maid : Oh , then she's with somebody who i first thought is her husband in the bed room.
Husband : Do you wan to make RM 10 K fast?
Maid : Oh yeah , how?
Husband : Go to the store and find my shot gun. Go up the room and shoot both of them
Maid thinking......
Maid : Oh ok.
In the phone, the husband heard some screaming and 2 shots of gun then followed by step on the stairs.
Maid : (Breath heavily), Sir, i've done my job. But i'm scared. What should i do?
Husband : Don't worry. Just move the body to my study room and clean up the mess.
Maid : Ok (thinking). Wait sir.. There's only two rooms in this house. One is the masterbedroom and another one is my room. Do you mean the store?
Husband: (Thinking).....,Err sorry, is this 79882455?
Joined: Mar 05, 2008 Posts: 1888 Location: Damansara
Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:51 am Post subject:
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit
the ball into the woods. She went into the woods
to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog
said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will
grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog,
and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times
ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first
wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman
in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize
that this wish will also make your husband the
most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to". The woman
replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for
me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman
in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to
be the richest woman in the world. The frog
said, "That will make your husband the richest
man in the world. And he will be ten times richer
than you. " The woman said, "That's okay,
because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the
world! The frog then inquired about her third wish,
and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess
with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the
joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than
his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but
think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy
the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it
only goes to show that women never listen!!! _________________ The thought of eternity consoles for the shortness of life.
Joined: May 07, 2008 Posts: 206 Location: Bandar Utama
Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 6:19 pm Post subject:
Free Orange
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One
day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and
made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by!!!
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for
some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all
the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and
exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old
girl?!"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear, I just take my dentures out,
rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."
A very rich maharajah decided to give his daughter and his kingdom to the guy who would bring to him the most precious ping-pong balls.
Indeed, some days later a guy brings a pair of golden balls, while another brought a pair of diamond ones and a third brought a ping-pong ball made of a very rare mineral found only in a remote part of the Amazon jungle.
The maharajah was ready to issue his decision, when suddenly our brave Santa, holding a pair of watermellon-shaped black things, shows up screaming "Hold it, I brought them."
The maharajah says "But, these are not ping-pong balls".
Santa, startled, says, "Ping Pong? Shit..I heard King Kong." _________________ http://australian-realestate.blogspot.com/ = Affordable apartment in Australia
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