Joined: Jul 24, 2007 Posts: 572 Location: Under the Sea...
Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 2:09 pm Post subject:
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. 2lips on your organ.
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.
Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player and a blonde?
A: He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck.
Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you.
Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.
Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!
Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis...even a thought can raise it.
Q. Hey, what's sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A. The cumming of the Lord
Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.
Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"
Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.
Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A. About three inches.
Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
Joined: Aug 23, 2007 Posts: 522 Location: Jalan Matahari!
Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 1:43 pm Post subject:
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
----------------------
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu was sent back to China.
----------------------
What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.
----------------------
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.
-----------------------------
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their
right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
-------------------------------
What is the definition of an engineer?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't
understand.
---------------------------
How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong
way.
-------------------------------
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".I wrote
"Doctor"...
What's my mother going to do?
Joined: Oct 20, 2006 Posts: 4672 Location: Dorayaki Kitchen?? ;-pp
Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 9:56 am Post subject:
HUMOR FOR THE SOUL: LIFE EXPLAINED
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by thedoor of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty->year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty,
okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Joined: Jun 14, 2007 Posts: 1545 Location: Catch me if you can! ;-)
Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:23 pm Post subject:
Beautiful Rhyme
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
that is, until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime. _________________ Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend...
Joined: Oct 20, 2006 Posts: 4672 Location: Dorayaki Kitchen?? ;-pp
Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 7:17 am Post subject:
Boys Are Naughty & Gurlz??????? think +ve {its 21 century}
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said, Lets start with the boys first.
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher was confused to listen but said, Interesting. Well, Ok. Infact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John. Yes next.
Second boy: Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher now got surprised and said, Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next.
Third boy: Im Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Teacher: Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next.
This continues...
and the last boy stands up Im Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
Exhausted, the teacher said, I dont think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please.
First girl: Im Julie and my hobby is to see birds.
Teacher: Good. At last I got something different. Ok next.
Second girl: Im Ruby and I like to collect perfumes.
Teacher Now its like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl; Yes you...
Most beautiful girl of the class:
Mam, my name is BUBBLE, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day. _________________
Joined: Oct 20, 2006 Posts: 4672 Location: Dorayaki Kitchen?? ;-pp
Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 12:37 pm Post subject:
Husbands & Wives
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?”
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A son asked his Dad how much it costs to get married. His Dad replied: I don't know son, I'm still paying.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Anonymous _________________
Joined: Jun 14, 2007 Posts: 1545 Location: Catch me if you can! ;-)
Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 5:50 pm Post subject:
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!' _________________ Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend...
The Punjabi meter-reader from Tenaga Nasional Berhad
rang the door bell at one of the Lawan-Kuda flats.
Ah Beng, aged 8, opened the door to see who it was.
The meter-reader asked if his father was at home.
"Yes", replied Ah Beng.
"Can I see him please?"
Little Ah Beng responded, "No, he is in the bathroom."
The Punjabi then asked if his mother was at home.
"Yes," said Ah Beng.
"Well can I see her?"
"No, she is also in the bathroom."
"Well, do you think they will be out soon?",
asked the meter-reader.
To which little Ah Beng replied most honestly .....
"No, because when my father asked me to hand him
the tube of smooth jelly cream placed under his bed,
I gave him my elephant gum instead!"
A man went on a business to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice
looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper,
'What would happen if it does not work?'
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.
He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refuses
to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said,
'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'
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