Joined: Aug 18, 2006 Posts: 3606 Location: somewhere over the rainbow :D
Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 5:42 pm Post subject:
On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young boy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.
He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $ 6,000.00 cash then gave it to the young man and said: "Around here I pay people for orking, not for standing around looking pretty! Here's 3 months' salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner: "And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came: "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"
couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them Rm60
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married And we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Shangri-la Putrajaya charges Rm. 250, Mandarin Oriental charges Rm.280, Le Meridian charges Rm.230.
We do it here for Rm.60, and I get that back from "Medical Claim".......! _________________
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take This train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and The game went into extra time.
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the Field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first. _________________
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed
A distinct slow-down in overall system performance - particularly in
The flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, installation of Husband 1.0 seems to have uninstalled
Many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal
Attention 6.5, and then installed such other undesirable programs as
NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. And Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer
Runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried
Running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can
I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and
Try to download Tears 6.2, and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0
Update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
Then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will automatically download the
Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background which will eventually seize
Control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This
Is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary,
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and
Cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
Additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Joined: Aug 18, 2006 Posts: 3606 Location: somewhere over the rainbow :D
Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 11:51 am Post subject:
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found these words:
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a
professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed
at a patient."
"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his
trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor
had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the
size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started
giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes
later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain
his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't
know what came over me. On my honor as a
doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen,"
P/s The doctor's funeral is this Saturday at 10am.
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
*** Remember these are jokes do not try at home ***
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known artist.
She told the artist, “Paint me with three-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful, red ruby pendant.”
“But ma’am, you are not wearing any of those things.”
“I know,” said Mrs. Johnson. “My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I’m sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”
Joined: Aug 18, 2006 Posts: 3606 Location: somewhere over the rainbow :D
Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 11:59 am Post subject:
ITS ALL WRITTEN BY KIDS !!
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys don't have brains)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)
(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made that rule?)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have s@x with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out.
- Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)
(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.
- Ricky, age 10 (The boy already understands)
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of
one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful
legs all the way up to her..... you know the kind. So he is back in the room and figures,
what the hell, give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long.
You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
Posted: Mon Apr 02, 2007 4:12 am Post subject: What do retired people do all day?
What do retired people do all day?
"Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f***** break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a f***ing s---head. He finished the Second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm
retired.
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